Critique My Pitch: A Wished-For Love

Critique this! Does this query pitch pique your interest?

“Crippled with grief after his fiancée’s death, Tom Nelson shuns love lest he betray Susanna’s memory. When he meets Aida, he finds love again, but will Susanna let him go?”

27 thoughts on “Critique My Pitch: A Wished-For Love

      1. Possibly. The first part is a pretty common story of loss and difficulty trusting love again. It was the last part, that the dead fiance interferes, that made me go, “Oooh, something unique.” I wanted a little more of a tease to really hook me. Mr. Mel seemed interested in the same thing. Just a suggestion – to take for what it’s worth. 🙂

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  1. This part tripped me, Will. “…Tom Nelson shuns love lest he betray…”. It made me think this was a Victorian story. Is there a way to make the language more modern? What about a shift in emphasis? Example: Susanna is dead, but won’t let Tom move on, even though he has met a woman he thinks he loves.” Another shift might be: Aida loves Tom, but doubts he will ever be able to rid himself of Susanna’s memory, even after her death. Just some ways you might be able to play with the triangle. I haven’t read the book, and I know how hard these blurbs are to write, so take this for the 2 cents it’s worth

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  2. Is Tom the main character in your story? If so, the pitch should probably focus on his POV. I’ve read all four and I like your first pitch best as it’s uncomplicated. Do you think it sums up the true meaning of your story? I’ve never had to do this yet and don’t look forward to it – so difficult!

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    1. I’m looking for the strongest pitch to grab the agent’s attention, so it doesn’t have to be the MC’s POV. It just needs to make the agent want to read more. This one sums up the plot well, but I don’t think it’s the strongest pitch. Still workin’ it!
      Thank you for weighing in 😊

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