Critique this! Does this query pitch pique your interest?
“Crippled with grief after his fiancée’s death, Tom Nelson shuns love lest he betray Susanna’s memory. When he meets Aida, he finds love again, but will Susanna let him go?”
-
Follow
Following
Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
Writers Envy 
Yes! But I want more on that last phrase – that’s the strongest part. 🙂
These are hard, so well done.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Are you saying add more to the pitch?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Possibly. The first part is a pretty common story of loss and difficulty trusting love again. It was the last part, that the dead fiance interferes, that made me go, “Oooh, something unique.” I wanted a little more of a tease to really hook me. Mr. Mel seemed interested in the same thing. Just a suggestion – to take for what it’s worth. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent feedback I can work with; just what I hoped for 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awesome. 😀
LikeLike
Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wish I could help Will, it caught my attention, left me wondering what is the hold Susanna has on Tom.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s great input – thank you!
LikeLike
Are you trying to keep it under a certain word count?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, ~34 words.
LikeLike
It sounds like an intriguing ghost story
LikeLiked by 2 people
As I read, I tend to like Susanna better…….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Did you not warm to her right away?
LikeLiked by 1 person
SHE is lovely. Aida annoys me and Tom…I’m not sure what to think of Tom!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hmmmm. Good insight into Aida. Tom takes a while to warm up to. He’s conflicted, and has to be seen with mixed feelings before becoming a sympathetic figure.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I get he is mixed! I would be as well—
LikeLiked by 1 person
These are extremely helpful comments. Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope they are helpful. I’m often not sure if my thoughts are any more than random thoughts.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh no, great inputs. Folks’ impressions are the most valuable critique.
LikeLiked by 1 person
phew
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Anna Dobritt — Author.
LikeLike
This part tripped me, Will. “…Tom Nelson shuns love lest he betray…”. It made me think this was a Victorian story. Is there a way to make the language more modern? What about a shift in emphasis? Example: Susanna is dead, but won’t let Tom move on, even though he has met a woman he thinks he loves.” Another shift might be: Aida loves Tom, but doubts he will ever be able to rid himself of Susanna’s memory, even after her death. Just some ways you might be able to play with the triangle. I haven’t read the book, and I know how hard these blurbs are to write, so take this for the 2 cents it’s worth
LikeLiked by 1 person
Another perspective. This is great! Thank you 🙂
LikeLike
Sarah, here’s a go at the pitch based on your input:
“After falling in love with the man of her dreams, Aida finds she must fight two dead women for the hand of Tom in marriage.”
LikeLike
Is Tom the main character in your story? If so, the pitch should probably focus on his POV. I’ve read all four and I like your first pitch best as it’s uncomplicated. Do you think it sums up the true meaning of your story? I’ve never had to do this yet and don’t look forward to it – so difficult!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m looking for the strongest pitch to grab the agent’s attention, so it doesn’t have to be the MC’s POV. It just needs to make the agent want to read more. This one sums up the plot well, but I don’t think it’s the strongest pitch. Still workin’ it!
Thank you for weighing in 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good luck with it 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person