Critique My Pitch, Part Three: A Wished-For Love

“Decades after their tragic deaths, two women haunt the lives of two men broken by grief and a hasty adoption. One of the men finally comes to terms with his loss and finds love again. One cannot.”

I didn’t provide a description of my story in previous posts, so I’ve added one here to help you critique my pitch. You’ll note there are two Susannas. There’s a reason for that, but you’ll have to read the entire novel to understand.

Back Story:

Crippled by grief after his beloved wife dies giving birth to their son, Sam gives up infant Tom for adoption. Unable to recover from Susanna’s death, Sam gives up on life and love, and volunteers for continuous duty in Vietnam. Sam never stops regretting abandoning his son, but he cannot bear the constant reminder of Susanna in Tom.

Tom, having grown up listening to stories of his birth parent’s fabled love, romanticizes his parents’ short life together and builds unrealistic expectations for his relationships. He expects his own fabled love and romance to fall in his lap the way he thinks happened with his parents: at first sight. Tom does find love at first sight, but she dies before they can marry.

Description of Story:

Tom, grief-stricken after his fiancée dies, recovers after many false starts and finds the love of his life. Aida views Tom as the man of her dreams, and is thrilled when he proposes marriage to her. She accepts his proposal as her dream come true, but senses he has second thoughts. She is determined to see him follow through on his proposal.

Tom immediately regrets his hasty proposal. Even as he speaks the words Aida yearns to hear, his mind rings with thoughts of his dead fiancée. He thought he had moved on from her death, but finds himself unable to separate his love for Aida from his deep love for Susanna. Further complicating the matter is his still-romanticized view of his parents’ fabled love. Tom is unwilling to betray the memories of his mother and fiancée and struggles to come to grips with his grief once and for all.

Unknown to Tom, his parents’ best friend, Frank, lives in the Philippines where Tom is stationed. Frank’s wife, Marie, owns the business that employed Aida. Chance leads Tom and Frank together and to the discovery of one another’s identity. On the day of Tom’s departure from the Philippines, and weeks from his marriage to Aida, Frank reunites Tom and his father, whom Tom had thought killed in Vietnam.

The End

10 thoughts on “Critique My Pitch, Part Three: A Wished-For Love

  1. 👍👍 Now I understand Will but your pitch is to get readers hooked, exposing the storyline is what the reader does in reading. Tantalizing them to read is the reason for the pitch.

    My thought; A father and son so long ago parted, not by death but adoption. Love to one a fairy tale, the other a battlefield. Reunited at last, a fairy tale come true for one and a battlefield silenced for the other. Just thinking.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Writing the pitch is harder than writing the book. Trying to describe the plot – and make it intriguing – in about 34 words is nearly impossible. I’ve written over a hundred pitches to get to this point. Fingers crossed!


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